So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
