I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
