foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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