I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
