i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
