I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize
