Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
