He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize