im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
