Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
my poor anus
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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