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you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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