I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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