Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
