In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
