he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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