im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
