I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
