you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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