He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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