your parents love me but you hate me
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
