last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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