Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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