Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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