I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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