There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
