Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
