Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
