If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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