I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
