so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
