I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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