I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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