I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
