Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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