alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
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