I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Randomize
