There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
