I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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