Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
