If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize