Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
