I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Pants are for mortals
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
