dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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