I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize