Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
