worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
