I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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