i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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