A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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