What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sext me about skeletons
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
