I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
