I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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