Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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