Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
