Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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