so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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