She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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